I found out I was pregnant with my second child in June 2024. A planned pregnancy so naturally we were very excited. Even more so as we had planned to return back home to the UK for the summer, which meant I would be able to tell everyone in person that I was pregnant. This is something that I didn’t have the opportunity to do with my first child.
I bought my son a T-shirt to announce his promotion to big brother and thoroughly enjoyed putting it on him each time we met a new relative or friend to announce our news. It was such an exciting time and I fondly remember a family gathering where everyone was congratulating me and my husband that we were going to be parents for a second time and hugging my mum and sister that they were going to be a grandma and aunty for a second time.
We returned back to the UAE, settled ourselves back into the routine of work and nursery, navigating the exhaustion and nausea that accompanies pregnancy. And then I got the phone call. The dreaded phone call that no expat wants to hear. My mum had been taken ill and was in hospital.
A couple of days later, I’m putting my son to sleep and when I come out of his bedroom my husband’s face tells me everything I need to know without him even having to say a word. She’d taken a turn and was in the ICU. Up until this point I had very much buried my head in the sand, with the distance being a big help, that she would be fine. But now there was no hiding from it.
The next day I went to the hospital and got my fit-to-fly letter intending to fly home by myself later that evening. And then another phone call – she’d been given 48 hours. This was really happening, I couldn’t believe it or even begin to process it – I just had to get back. We booked the next available flight, packed a bag and arrived in the UK first thing the next morning.
The next few days were unbelievably difficult as I’m sure one can imagine. My mum was in and out of consciousness and nothing they were trying was working. Eventually the decision was made to remove her life support and ‘let nature take its course’. Something about that phrase sounds so peaceful, doesn’t it? Sitting with her and watching her slowly be taken from us, was anything but.
At the point I lost my mum, I was 5 months pregnant. Losing a parent at any point is difficult but being pregnant just adds another whole layer that I imagine (and hope) only a few people have to deal with. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the funeral before we returned back to the UAE two days later. I cried the whole way through to the departure gate, cried through take off and then cried on landing. When I return ‘home’ to the UK, she won’t be there the next time.
Whilst we were in the UK I had missed my 20 week anatomy scan so I scheduled it for when we got back. Everything was fine thankfully as my poor little baby had been through so much by this point. Getting in the lift to leave the hospital my first thought was ‘I’ll just give my mum a ring and let her know everything’s fine’. Oh no, wait… There have been so many of these moments where you forget what’s happened and all of a sudden it hits you like a tonne of bricks, you’re absolutely floored and feel like you’ve taken ten steps back in the grieving process.
Grief is such a hard thing to navigate. I was so fortunate to have so much family and so many friends around me supporting me and checking in. But equally, I was very conscious that eventually that support would fizzle out, and as suspected, it did. Not because people don’t care, but because people get busy in their own lives. We’ve all been there, right? And yet my whole world had been turned upside down. How was it fair that my mum wouldn’t get to meet her granddaughter? How was it fair that my kids would grow up not knowing their grandma? Life can be so very cruel.
The remainder of my pregnancy itself was ‘fine’ – all my scans seemed normal and the baby was doing well. But mentally, I was not okay and I worried about the impact that would have on my baby. Mum guilt never lets up, does it? I just kept telling myself she’ll be the most resilient little girl there ever could be which did help in some respects.
My daughter was born in February, earlier than her due date, a happy and healthy baby who proudly carries my mum’s name as her middle name. The contrast of having the most difficult thing happen to you, followed by one of the most joyful, in a matter of 4 months is such a shock to the system. And through it all, my kids were the best distraction, picking me up when I was at my lowest and allowing me to see light, even on the darkest of days.
So maybe you’re reading this because you’re in a similar position. If you are – I’m SO sorry for your loss. If you’re anything like me, there’s nothing anyone can say that can make you feel better. And all of what I’m about to say is easier said than done, believe me, I know! But the biggest cliche of all stands: time is a great healer, and although it might not seem like it, things will slowly get easier.
Keep your loved ones memory alive, talk to your partner, your friends and your kids about them. It’s taken me about a year to be able to talk about my mum to my kids without crying and now we can share happy memories without the tears.
Take the time and ask for help when you need it. Whether that’s through a professional grief counsellor, friends, relatives or anyone else in your support network. Grief can be so isolating and it can feel almost impossible to ask for help or reach out to someone but it really will help. This wasn’t something I was good at myself if I’m honest.
And if you know someone who has recently lost someone, pregnant or not, please take a moment to check in on them every now and again. They might not reply but I’m sure it would mean the world to them to know you’re thinking of them and they aren’t alone.
The biggest blessing of all – my daughter. My mum will never get to meet her but my goodness would she have loved her. All I can do now is keep my mums’ memory alive, tell my kids about her and pass on all the things she taught me growing up onto them!
Have advice for moms or a personal story to tell? We’d love to feature your voice on our blog! Share your experiences with us here! We’re always excited to welcome new perspectives and stories from moms like you!
